A Woman's Touch...

I need that feeling... I yearn for it so badly. Nothing against men, but there is nothing like a Woman's Touch. In my relationship, I am very happy. I rarely (pretty much never) "check out" men when I see them walking by. But... Let a beautiful woman walk past me & I can't keep my eyes off her. I wish there was a lady out there with whom I could have this chemistry, someone who understands and recognizes that I am seriously aching for a woman's touch.

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Here I Am

Transitions, transitions, transitions...

I am picking up where I left off quite well in my mind...

Yes, I started dancing, as my last post informed you. It has been quite the journey...

Sometimes, as a writer, you have to take some time off and actually experience life. Otherwise, you'll find yourself in a dark quiet corner writing about being in a dark quiet corner writing about being in a dark quiet corner...... & so on, if you catch my drift. So I have been living...

I can't even begin to explain everything I have experienced. I have traveled, and even moved for a while, to some different places... Although I still feel this specific journey is far from over, I've had a very fair share of new memories & lessons learned.

Reading this damn blog for the first time in almost 3 years blew my fucking mind. If there's one thing I see clearly, it's how much better I can express myself in some peace and quiet. I had solitude, silence, my own bunch of nothing around. Also, I was in school. That will always change the direction of your mind daily. All is beautiful, though, and part of life.

I was lonely, but peaceful. Now I have some serious love & chaos going on. I just hope anything I say makes sense these days.

I am currently about 5 1/2 months pregnant with my first child, my son. Though I still have so much going on around me, I get a break from dancing to collect my thoughts. Who knows, maybe enough inspiration will come and allow me to regurgitate a world life-changing post one of these days. If not, at least I can look back years from now at this and think, "Damn, I was fucking nuts."

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Up next...

Boxcutter turns dancer.

That's right, I finally made the leap. The funny thing about this is I always said if I decide to go dance at a strip club, it would be lowkey and out of town. Ha.

I had a long overdue dinner date at my good friend's house which is what led to this decision. A former neighbor of mine, I have always admired her strong focus and determination. Not to get too well into my past, but I'll just say that I've always been able to take care of myself. At a young age having to provide for myself as an early teenager, I have plenty of experience in that area. I always grew up as "one of the guys" and my ways of making money, though not so legal or moral, did not include any sort of promiscuity. I was always like the guys, skilled in marketing and networking, and quite persuasive, I've had many hustles. They weren't all bad, either. I had some jobs such as simply braiding hair and breeding pitbulls. I knew how to make money but stay off the radar. I still do, to this day. I'd like to say I've always been focused but I have been distracted by many things. I look up to this individual to whom I am referring as my former neighbor because she makes it look so easy. Just as I'd like to say about myself, she's one of the few females in this town who has a reputation for truly being about her money and able to hang with the guys. This chick was always a female hustler with what it takes to make it big on typical females' hustles but strong and tough enough to handle her shit like a man. Though always maintaining MY individuality, she's been somewhat of a role model and I've always tried to learn all I can from her.

So I was at her house, and we were catching up on everything we've been up to, as I begin to ask her about the job. She told me about life circumstances leading to her former money making schemes being put to a screeching halt (as they did for me, so good for both of us). Eventually, she was led to resort to dancing. I know plenty of women in this profession but never really inquired about the life of one. Though the job is frowned upon, I truly can't see anything wrong with it. Sure, not everyone would do it, but that's why these girls get paid so well. On a serious note, I see it as making a positive impact on the world. Not only does working as a dancer help some of these women better themselves with many traits they may secretly be lacking, but dancers also help customers in the same way, and more. It may not be a traditional method, but look how many screwed up people there are in this world and tell ME how well you think "tradition" is working? Yeah, didn't think so. Also, as they say, different strokes for different folks.

As she could see how intrigued I was, and she knew of my plans to move in four months, she asked if I'm interested. My concern? The location. She happens to work at a local strip club which is the most well-known one in town. I don't know anybody who hasn't been there. After a motivational, Fuck-these-bitches-get-money type of speech (as well as reminding me that I'll be moving away in 4 months anyway) and a few pointers, I decided to go with her that evening. I won't get into details of that night but I'll just say I'm ready to do this. I went in yesterday afternoon, turned in my application and did my quick "audition" dance on stage.

I'm amazed at the positive response and support I have been receiving from the few friends and family aware of this decision. Everyone seems to be far from surprised (of course, had I told my Military acquaintances who don't know me personally, they would have had a shit fit.) I have decided this step is a good sign. Without going into details, there are things of my past which I used to let destroy my self-esteem. I used to think I was born to hate myself. These last couple years have been quite a ride, though, as so many drastic changes have led me to new realization of who I am. I'm proud to say I have reached a point where I have enough confidence and drive to perform such a job. If anyone thinks working at a strip club as a dancer is easy they're dead wrong. There's so much more to the job than you know. Maybe at some point, when I have shown I can be successful and earned some more credibility in this field I will post a blog about what I have learned. I'm sure this is yet another stop in my journey, and I'm stoked to see the good and bad which is ahead in the days to come.

A side note, inspired by this post, is something I have noticed. I have a wide variety of ambitions and goals in life. When you add that into my past fiascos throughout the years, it makes for quite the story. Another thing I've learned lately worth mentioning is a fear I never noticed. I have always had my "thing" but can't really recall anything in my life which I have consistently partaken. I have major portions of my life devoted to some things, but my mind and interest changes so often. One thing which has been accepted lately is I may not be able to do every single thing I'm working toward in my life, but I'm learning and growing along the way so as long as I'm continuing to accomplish great things, no matter what they are, it's never a waste of time. I'd rather have my plate overflowing with options than be nothing.

So if you live in the KC/Lawrence/Topeka area, contact me if you'd like to come see me at work. I'll be starting off on days for a while, so I'll be there during the relaxed shift. I don't plan on jumping into the night-time jungle of the club until I'm more comfortable and well-prepared.

<3
Jamila
جميلة

To whom it may concern...

     You know who you are, and you know every single thing you’ve done. You’re not a man, you’re a cowardly leech. You remember me, right? I’m that warm, defenseless body you attached yourself to for way too much of my life. It’s me, the 5 foot 4 hunk of flesh swarmed with what once were lively veins oozing with healthy briskly flowing blood. It’s that body engulfed with pouring sweat that ached and trembled at your ignorant fist. Yes, that’s who I am. I’m the gem in your plastic pathetic excuse for a ring, which just happened to be in the $0.25 machine. The one you banged against bricks and stone, nearly shattering to a thousand pieces yet refusing to remove from that miserable waste of a perfectly capable finger; a finger which connected to a hand that stole the breath from my lungs on numerous occasions. Yes, the hand that nearly succeeded in snatching the very life from my lost, oblivious soul; the cause of my inoperative brain. I’m the one you promised to carry out this plan with one day. Here I am, alive and kicking, just here to give you a piece of my mind.

     

     Despite every drastic attempt to remove your utter existence from my memory, here you are, haunting and roaming about a fully-capable, fully potential mind with a million more important things to do. This charity source has been shut down long ago. No longer does my glued together and sewn shut heart belong to you. No longer are you allowed my sympathy, and never again will you receive my pain. My body and spirits have ached for you plenty. It took me more time than you will ever know to convince myself just how unworthy you are. You invaded my mind and brainwashed it to the point it knew no better, and couldn’t possibly know any worse. Sometimes a flashback of your presence returns to my overly forgiving mind, and I panic. I fall to the floor, I shake in utter fear and distress, goose bumps swarm my cold, pale skin as every single hair upon it rises in defense against your return. Sometimes, I make my way, crawling to the toilet in attempt to release every bit of me that was once you into it so I may finally free myself of the infection in my being which is you. I long for the release of that metal handle as I watch you and all of your filth spiral down into a drain and captured into a pit more disgusting than you. I have learned I cannot erase you, and I have become the opposite of the shriveled concoction of a being , into which you nearly constructed.

     I know you have seen who I have become. I know you watch and yearn in anticipation of another glance toward the bright-eyed potentially amazing part of you which I could have been. You’re just as well aware as I am how unworthy of even the grimiest scrape of my toenail you indeed are.

I forgive you.

     I will never again respect you. And as charming as the words released from the grimiest mouth I’ve ever seen, I know not to believe a word. Invisible is one thing you are not, as much as I’d appreciate never having to see that despicable face again. This is to my advantage. I’ve seen your attempts into everything of mine with significance. I’m aware of every tiptoe you make toward what I’ve rebuilt a thousand times smarter and stronger than you could ever dream of having the privilege of being acknowledged.

     I’m here. Keep trying. Move forward with every bit of force you have. As cold as you left my heart toward you, I'd be proud to know you went somewhere, even if only as a failed attempt to catch up with what will never be. I see you now for the lifeless coward you are, and I’m prepared. Never again will I be what you did to me. Never again will I be the unsuspecting victim of your insecurities. I’m moving too fast for you to catch up. Good luck trying. I’m driving full-speed, and although I see you, you’re nowhere but the corner of my rearview…

Slowly but surely…

Drifting away.

Blessings

No blame necessary
Fate brought these sores.
Evolution is history
We're just a pack of carnivores.
Cannibalism, rage, wrath, and revenge
We'll tear our brilliant selves to bits
Some fight their ways to the imaginary finish
The rest simply call it quits.

Dog eat dog
A feast lies before you, but
You're everybody's bitch.

No need to protest
Unnecessary peace
Hate or protect
An inevitable beast
We're all the enemy
Someway, somehow
Your heart freezes elegantly
Watch your soul endow.

Your endeavors will sever
With an ear to your gods
Knowing your forever
Bares mindless fraud.

May the will you surrender to your selected Lord
Be worthy of the cost which you cannot afford.

Music

Just some thoughts inspired by a conversation I am actually still having...

As I was growing up, I always ensured I remained myself no matter what the current trends are and how many people were trying to be just like everybody else. I must admit though, often I felt compelled to listen to music by which I am surrounded. This is not only because it was what I knew, and what I heard more, but there's a bit of peer pressure associated with music, or there used to be back in the not-so-good old days. I, on occasion, would have a "closet playlist", so to speak, of songs I loved but would not tell anybody I listened to behind closed doors. However, my surroundings and general interest were some R&B and a whole lot of Rap music. I still listen to this, and I always admired talent, but now my focus is more on talent and how much I relate to the song. I must confess, though, I enjoy a lot of horrible, pointless music. The difference is, now I'll acknowledge it. Amazing how much my music taste has expanded and what an effect it has had on me...

The main thought and focus of the conversation which urged me to rant it is how funny it is, that I barely attempt keeping up with newly released songs because I am so busy basking the blissful melodies of the past, especially the 80's and 90's. What's intriguing to me is the fact that most of the 90's music I listen to and enjoy now, even some of my favorite songs, I absolutely despised when they came out. I have come to the conclusion that this is due to the fact that I never understood the depth of the lyrics or the beauty of a soothing melody until now. It's a lovely thing how life does this to us... Even as a young girl who was stuck in a situation, basically having to raise herself and although not grown being forced to grow up very quickly, there was so much I thought I knew but to which I was completely oblivious. 

On a previous post I mentioned music, and how sometimes it will trigger a painful or disturbing memory, usually leading me to repeat the same song numerous times, as I sit still, close my eyes, and try my damnedest to figure out why in the world it hit me so hard. To be completely honest, as much as it bothers me, my inner masochist thrives off this. It gives me time to forget about the rest of the world, other  mandatory life troubles and circumstances I am powerless against changing, it's an escape. It provides my mind lodging, even if it is not necessarily the safest place, it does have benefits. Music can express so many things my words alone just cannot. I remember as a choir director how uplifting it was to help arise such energy into a group of people and watch it reflect over my head and into a crowd and be a part of something so powerful. 

I wake up in the morning entirely too early because I spend an hour simply drinking coffee and listening to music. With iTunes on shuffle, music of all genres, from one extreme to another, serves as an aid to collecting all my unnecessary thoughts and concerns which harass this otherwise reluctantly focused mind, harbored between two ears constantly filtering what is allowed in and what is reflected back out to the source. Without music, my mind just wouldn't function properly. There's not much better than the perfect song playing on the radio at the perfect moment. Daily, I ferociously battle against the strongest factors set out to destroy my utter existence just for the opportunity to return home with even the slightest amount of time to ease the weight of the world off my back, resting on the shoulders of a musical escape from life.

It sure is good to be alive.

I'll leave you with the song which inspired the conversation. Lyrically beautiful, so much that I'm going to attach the video providing lyrics. Also, because YouTube will not allow me to embed the official video. Enjoy.

Barricaded

You wonder where I’m hiding
You don’t know where I am.
I’m really not worth finding
Please, just understand.

All this time
I never went away.
I’m right here where you left me
Because I promised you I’d stay.

You’ve searched all around
Lacking any sign of me.
I’m behind a thousand latches
But I swallowed every key.

In the shadows of the door
I hear you out there, wandering around.
I won’t open it anymore
And you’re afraid to crash it down.

Curled up in the shadows
Under windows, fiercely barred.
Burying my face
So delectably scarred.

I just want your forceful might
Kicking down this shield.
I inhale to call for you.
Upon your approach, I yield.

Break in my barricaded heart
Trespassing into my soul.
I long ago handed over
my precious
valuable
fortress
of
cherished
generous
stubborn
irrelevant
worthless………..

Control.