Up next...

Boxcutter turns dancer.

That's right, I finally made the leap. The funny thing about this is I always said if I decide to go dance at a strip club, it would be lowkey and out of town. Ha.

I had a long overdue dinner date at my good friend's house which is what led to this decision. A former neighbor of mine, I have always admired her strong focus and determination. Not to get too well into my past, but I'll just say that I've always been able to take care of myself. At a young age having to provide for myself as an early teenager, I have plenty of experience in that area. I always grew up as "one of the guys" and my ways of making money, though not so legal or moral, did not include any sort of promiscuity. I was always like the guys, skilled in marketing and networking, and quite persuasive, I've had many hustles. They weren't all bad, either. I had some jobs such as simply braiding hair and breeding pitbulls. I knew how to make money but stay off the radar. I still do, to this day. I'd like to say I've always been focused but I have been distracted by many things. I look up to this individual to whom I am referring as my former neighbor because she makes it look so easy. Just as I'd like to say about myself, she's one of the few females in this town who has a reputation for truly being about her money and able to hang with the guys. This chick was always a female hustler with what it takes to make it big on typical females' hustles but strong and tough enough to handle her shit like a man. Though always maintaining MY individuality, she's been somewhat of a role model and I've always tried to learn all I can from her.

So I was at her house, and we were catching up on everything we've been up to, as I begin to ask her about the job. She told me about life circumstances leading to her former money making schemes being put to a screeching halt (as they did for me, so good for both of us). Eventually, she was led to resort to dancing. I know plenty of women in this profession but never really inquired about the life of one. Though the job is frowned upon, I truly can't see anything wrong with it. Sure, not everyone would do it, but that's why these girls get paid so well. On a serious note, I see it as making a positive impact on the world. Not only does working as a dancer help some of these women better themselves with many traits they may secretly be lacking, but dancers also help customers in the same way, and more. It may not be a traditional method, but look how many screwed up people there are in this world and tell ME how well you think "tradition" is working? Yeah, didn't think so. Also, as they say, different strokes for different folks.

As she could see how intrigued I was, and she knew of my plans to move in four months, she asked if I'm interested. My concern? The location. She happens to work at a local strip club which is the most well-known one in town. I don't know anybody who hasn't been there. After a motivational, Fuck-these-bitches-get-money type of speech (as well as reminding me that I'll be moving away in 4 months anyway) and a few pointers, I decided to go with her that evening. I won't get into details of that night but I'll just say I'm ready to do this. I went in yesterday afternoon, turned in my application and did my quick "audition" dance on stage.

I'm amazed at the positive response and support I have been receiving from the few friends and family aware of this decision. Everyone seems to be far from surprised (of course, had I told my Military acquaintances who don't know me personally, they would have had a shit fit.) I have decided this step is a good sign. Without going into details, there are things of my past which I used to let destroy my self-esteem. I used to think I was born to hate myself. These last couple years have been quite a ride, though, as so many drastic changes have led me to new realization of who I am. I'm proud to say I have reached a point where I have enough confidence and drive to perform such a job. If anyone thinks working at a strip club as a dancer is easy they're dead wrong. There's so much more to the job than you know. Maybe at some point, when I have shown I can be successful and earned some more credibility in this field I will post a blog about what I have learned. I'm sure this is yet another stop in my journey, and I'm stoked to see the good and bad which is ahead in the days to come.

A side note, inspired by this post, is something I have noticed. I have a wide variety of ambitions and goals in life. When you add that into my past fiascos throughout the years, it makes for quite the story. Another thing I've learned lately worth mentioning is a fear I never noticed. I have always had my "thing" but can't really recall anything in my life which I have consistently partaken. I have major portions of my life devoted to some things, but my mind and interest changes so often. One thing which has been accepted lately is I may not be able to do every single thing I'm working toward in my life, but I'm learning and growing along the way so as long as I'm continuing to accomplish great things, no matter what they are, it's never a waste of time. I'd rather have my plate overflowing with options than be nothing.

So if you live in the KC/Lawrence/Topeka area, contact me if you'd like to come see me at work. I'll be starting off on days for a while, so I'll be there during the relaxed shift. I don't plan on jumping into the night-time jungle of the club until I'm more comfortable and well-prepared.

<3
Jamila
جميلة

To whom it may concern...

     You know who you are, and you know every single thing you’ve done. You’re not a man, you’re a cowardly leech. You remember me, right? I’m that warm, defenseless body you attached yourself to for way too much of my life. It’s me, the 5 foot 4 hunk of flesh swarmed with what once were lively veins oozing with healthy briskly flowing blood. It’s that body engulfed with pouring sweat that ached and trembled at your ignorant fist. Yes, that’s who I am. I’m the gem in your plastic pathetic excuse for a ring, which just happened to be in the $0.25 machine. The one you banged against bricks and stone, nearly shattering to a thousand pieces yet refusing to remove from that miserable waste of a perfectly capable finger; a finger which connected to a hand that stole the breath from my lungs on numerous occasions. Yes, the hand that nearly succeeded in snatching the very life from my lost, oblivious soul; the cause of my inoperative brain. I’m the one you promised to carry out this plan with one day. Here I am, alive and kicking, just here to give you a piece of my mind.

     

     Despite every drastic attempt to remove your utter existence from my memory, here you are, haunting and roaming about a fully-capable, fully potential mind with a million more important things to do. This charity source has been shut down long ago. No longer does my glued together and sewn shut heart belong to you. No longer are you allowed my sympathy, and never again will you receive my pain. My body and spirits have ached for you plenty. It took me more time than you will ever know to convince myself just how unworthy you are. You invaded my mind and brainwashed it to the point it knew no better, and couldn’t possibly know any worse. Sometimes a flashback of your presence returns to my overly forgiving mind, and I panic. I fall to the floor, I shake in utter fear and distress, goose bumps swarm my cold, pale skin as every single hair upon it rises in defense against your return. Sometimes, I make my way, crawling to the toilet in attempt to release every bit of me that was once you into it so I may finally free myself of the infection in my being which is you. I long for the release of that metal handle as I watch you and all of your filth spiral down into a drain and captured into a pit more disgusting than you. I have learned I cannot erase you, and I have become the opposite of the shriveled concoction of a being , into which you nearly constructed.

     I know you have seen who I have become. I know you watch and yearn in anticipation of another glance toward the bright-eyed potentially amazing part of you which I could have been. You’re just as well aware as I am how unworthy of even the grimiest scrape of my toenail you indeed are.

I forgive you.

     I will never again respect you. And as charming as the words released from the grimiest mouth I’ve ever seen, I know not to believe a word. Invisible is one thing you are not, as much as I’d appreciate never having to see that despicable face again. This is to my advantage. I’ve seen your attempts into everything of mine with significance. I’m aware of every tiptoe you make toward what I’ve rebuilt a thousand times smarter and stronger than you could ever dream of having the privilege of being acknowledged.

     I’m here. Keep trying. Move forward with every bit of force you have. As cold as you left my heart toward you, I'd be proud to know you went somewhere, even if only as a failed attempt to catch up with what will never be. I see you now for the lifeless coward you are, and I’m prepared. Never again will I be what you did to me. Never again will I be the unsuspecting victim of your insecurities. I’m moving too fast for you to catch up. Good luck trying. I’m driving full-speed, and although I see you, you’re nowhere but the corner of my rearview…

Slowly but surely…

Drifting away.

Blessings

No blame necessary
Fate brought these sores.
Evolution is history
We're just a pack of carnivores.
Cannibalism, rage, wrath, and revenge
We'll tear our brilliant selves to bits
Some fight their ways to the imaginary finish
The rest simply call it quits.

Dog eat dog
A feast lies before you, but
You're everybody's bitch.

No need to protest
Unnecessary peace
Hate or protect
An inevitable beast
We're all the enemy
Someway, somehow
Your heart freezes elegantly
Watch your soul endow.

Your endeavors will sever
With an ear to your gods
Knowing your forever
Bares mindless fraud.

May the will you surrender to your selected Lord
Be worthy of the cost which you cannot afford.

Music

Just some thoughts inspired by a conversation I am actually still having...

As I was growing up, I always ensured I remained myself no matter what the current trends are and how many people were trying to be just like everybody else. I must admit though, often I felt compelled to listen to music by which I am surrounded. This is not only because it was what I knew, and what I heard more, but there's a bit of peer pressure associated with music, or there used to be back in the not-so-good old days. I, on occasion, would have a "closet playlist", so to speak, of songs I loved but would not tell anybody I listened to behind closed doors. However, my surroundings and general interest were some R&B and a whole lot of Rap music. I still listen to this, and I always admired talent, but now my focus is more on talent and how much I relate to the song. I must confess, though, I enjoy a lot of horrible, pointless music. The difference is, now I'll acknowledge it. Amazing how much my music taste has expanded and what an effect it has had on me...

The main thought and focus of the conversation which urged me to rant it is how funny it is, that I barely attempt keeping up with newly released songs because I am so busy basking the blissful melodies of the past, especially the 80's and 90's. What's intriguing to me is the fact that most of the 90's music I listen to and enjoy now, even some of my favorite songs, I absolutely despised when they came out. I have come to the conclusion that this is due to the fact that I never understood the depth of the lyrics or the beauty of a soothing melody until now. It's a lovely thing how life does this to us... Even as a young girl who was stuck in a situation, basically having to raise herself and although not grown being forced to grow up very quickly, there was so much I thought I knew but to which I was completely oblivious. 

On a previous post I mentioned music, and how sometimes it will trigger a painful or disturbing memory, usually leading me to repeat the same song numerous times, as I sit still, close my eyes, and try my damnedest to figure out why in the world it hit me so hard. To be completely honest, as much as it bothers me, my inner masochist thrives off this. It gives me time to forget about the rest of the world, other  mandatory life troubles and circumstances I am powerless against changing, it's an escape. It provides my mind lodging, even if it is not necessarily the safest place, it does have benefits. Music can express so many things my words alone just cannot. I remember as a choir director how uplifting it was to help arise such energy into a group of people and watch it reflect over my head and into a crowd and be a part of something so powerful. 

I wake up in the morning entirely too early because I spend an hour simply drinking coffee and listening to music. With iTunes on shuffle, music of all genres, from one extreme to another, serves as an aid to collecting all my unnecessary thoughts and concerns which harass this otherwise reluctantly focused mind, harbored between two ears constantly filtering what is allowed in and what is reflected back out to the source. Without music, my mind just wouldn't function properly. There's not much better than the perfect song playing on the radio at the perfect moment. Daily, I ferociously battle against the strongest factors set out to destroy my utter existence just for the opportunity to return home with even the slightest amount of time to ease the weight of the world off my back, resting on the shoulders of a musical escape from life.

It sure is good to be alive.

I'll leave you with the song which inspired the conversation. Lyrically beautiful, so much that I'm going to attach the video providing lyrics. Also, because YouTube will not allow me to embed the official video. Enjoy.

Barricaded

You wonder where I’m hiding
You don’t know where I am.
I’m really not worth finding
Please, just understand.

All this time
I never went away.
I’m right here where you left me
Because I promised you I’d stay.

You’ve searched all around
Lacking any sign of me.
I’m behind a thousand latches
But I swallowed every key.

In the shadows of the door
I hear you out there, wandering around.
I won’t open it anymore
And you’re afraid to crash it down.

Curled up in the shadows
Under windows, fiercely barred.
Burying my face
So delectably scarred.

I just want your forceful might
Kicking down this shield.
I inhale to call for you.
Upon your approach, I yield.

Break in my barricaded heart
Trespassing into my soul.
I long ago handed over
my precious
valuable
fortress
of
cherished
generous
stubborn
irrelevant
worthless………..

Control.

Insomnia, Isolation, & Amnesia

So it's 4:21am as I type this and I'm yawning, but have no intentions of sleep. It's been a strange night. Hell, it's been a strange week. It's been a strange life, actually.

I have not been myself lately at all. I don't know what my deal is. Actually, I think I do... and I'm probably about to talk about way more than I intended to on here.

People who know me will say I'm an extremely chill person. Many of my loved ones strive to spend time with me just to pick up on the calming vibe I give off. I'm generally carefree and very chill... along with being a silly smartass and a thousand other things. There's a side of me people don't know, though... and I fucking hate it. That's why nobody sees it... I bury her ass deep down, pack her in tightly, and she keeps trying to dig her way back up above ground.

And this post is going to piss me off and end up emo as fuck. At this point I don't even give a shit.

I started college as a Psychology major hoping I could solve this mystery of mine. It turns out, I hate that major, so i changed it. But here's the deal...

I have memories. Painful fucking agonizing memories. And not the kind of pain I enjoy. Or maybe I do enjoy it. There's things you'll never know about my life... though sometimes, I really really really wish I had someone to tell. I don't really have family that knows me. I'm pretty sure my grandmother on my dad's side has disowned me, but I really don't care. His side of the family is full of liars and hypocrites anyway. I'd rather be alone than pretend to love them. I honestly don't love them. I don't even know them. My mom's side of the family is amazing, but again I don't know them either. Not well enough, anyway. I barely know my own brothers at times. I've been fortunate to for once in my life find incredible friends whom are my family. Even then I get skeptical about everybody I meet, mainly because I have very few people who have stuck around for a long time. I'm the kinda chick who will do anything in the world for someone. People love to step all over chicks like me. I have my ways of getting even, but when I take down my tough girl shield I know damn well they have affected me, whether I want them to or not. My point is, I have amazing loved ones, but until I see for myself evidence of relationships strong enough to last a lifetime, my trust barrier remains. I'll probably die waiting for this to happen. When I tell you I can talk to you about anything, that usually means up to 80%. I guess that makes me a liar. I know a couple people I'd probably tell everything to, but... I'm too damn stubborn. Letting anyone learn certain things about me is a huge deal, and something I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to do. Anyway, to the issue...

As I said, I have memories. I have some really fucked up memories. Even more than that I have blank holes that should be memories. I can recall maybe half of the important things in my life. During an extremely intense phase of my life, I started trying to block out my memory. I don't really know how I did it, but I made myself forget a lot. I can't decide if this was good or bad for me because now it's haunting the fuck out of me. Especially with music, I love music. But, certain songs will come on and I find myself with the eeriest feeling. I have been known to pull my car over because of this. I'll play the song on repeat numerous times, close my eyes, zone out and try my best to remember. It bothers me for the next few days as all I want to know is what was it about that song!? Just as bad, sometimes the memory does come back to me. Then I'm in utter shock. But, life continues... so I about face and carry out the plan of the day. Shit's piling up in the back of my mind. Between this issue with some fucked up sort of amnesia I seem to have and a thousand other things going on called living, my mind's being fucked way more than I ever knew was possible. It's not sexy.

Someone do me a favor and just rip out every bit of emotion from my brain so I can live in peace?!?

Familiar Taste of Poison

I did not write this. These are lyrics to a song by Halestorm.

Drink the wine, my darling, you said
Take your time, consume all of it
But the roses were only to drain my inspiration
The promises were spoiled before they left your lips and...

I breathe you in again, just to feel you
Underneath my skin, holding on to
The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison

I tell myself, that you're not good for me
I wish you well, but desire never leaves
I could fight this til the end
But maybe I don't want to win

I breathe you in again, just to feel you
Underneath my skin, holding on to
The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison

I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be sober
I want you on my mind, in my dreams behind these eyes
And I won't wake up, no not this time.

I breathe you in again, just to feel you
Underneath my skin, holding on to
The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison

A familiar taste of poison

100 words on masochism

I want to hurt, I yearn for intensity. Pain is beautiful when upon request. The more I succumb to Beautiful Pain, the less I acknowledge the Hideous Pain. I love to be affected. I love hurting for a purpose. I long for the person to whom I can surrender myself entirely and rest under his clenched fist. How incredibly enjoyable is the sensation of being at his mercy, erasing my mind’s contents and basking in heavenly subspace. I love the moment; suffering is the blissful privilege of acting as his point of focus, as he strikes his passion upon me.

Wa da ta, my damies.

"I tell you what, Pootie.

Someday you gonna meet your match in a woman.
Someday you gonna meet the Darth Vader of T. and A.

Some woman's gonna kick your ass and love you to death...

...and then you gonna be lying in the dumpster...
done banged to death by the dark side of love.

And on that day, Pootie...
I'm gonna be there.

...and I'm gonna make sweet love to you."

-Biggie Shorty

Taking

At your will
At your mercy
Euphoria
You’re dispersing
Fingers trembling
Toes curled
Shuddering
Lost in a perfect world
Capture me, loose me
Bound and set free
Taken away
Taking you taking me

Breaths shortening
Then as deep as you’re inside
Pushing your passion
Overflowing from my eyes
Firm strength of your hand
Embracing my throat
To this moment
All of me, I devote
Your soothing, stern voice
In my ear whispering
“Take it.”
Don’t stop taking me.

Faster, harder
Vanishing every care
Entranced
Distantly gazing in a deep, dark stare
Rhythmically pounding
Juices flow like a river
Tightly held down
Sweat pours as I helplessly shiver
Taking more and more
Til we reach our goal
You take me, lose yourself
As we lose control.

Blind Comfort

Numbing my soul
     Demolishing
          Take loving control
Numbing my heart
     Devouring
          Tear my love apart
Numbing my brain
     Abolishing
          Sanity’s filthy strain
Numbing my senses
     Cowering
          Into my deepest dimensions

Frolic in a playground of uncertainty
Unarm yourself, prepare for what will never be.
Confusion and ignorance will take you higher
Kill off every breath extinguishing your fire.

Yes
Obviously
Unaware

Leeches and snakes
Of
Vicarious adoration know,
Everything worthwhile must go.

A Masochist's Mind

My pain is beautiful,
Sensual, so arousing,
My mind demands more than my heart can take.

Thoughts can be dangerous,
But for my own sake,
The more I can handle, the less likely I’ll break.

My teeth get a protective, stern tight grip,
On an anxious, restless, quivering bottom lip.

Hand balled in a fist as my eyes roll back,
Gracefully anticipating this generous attack.

You relax my body as my muscles surrender,
I withdraw all within me, so strong, yet so tender.

Lead the escape,
Take me away,
Guide me into a fantasy so real.

If only for a moment,
Safely, securely restrained,
Inflict me with such euphoric inability to feel.

You'll Never Know

Destructive thoughts haunt me day to day
Sentences constructed to statements I may never say
Painful memories sneak into my mind, I disregard as they drift away
My presence is inevitable, but my mind is astray
Lucky for you, you'll never know anyway

I'm here today, I'll escape tomorrow
To solitary confinement locked in my own sorrow
Soon I will vanish, but you'll never know
The invisible inhibitions I refuse to show
I'll be digging a hole where the truth lies and burying sights I deprive your eyes

A wilderness of oblivion
You can find me imprisoning my mind within
Comfortably lost but I know my destination
I'll find it wandering without hesitation
You'll trail right behind me, analytically so
It's all part of the plan... but you'll never know.

The Gift of Submission

I just want to put some thoughts out here for a second...

Submission is quite the gift to give someone... one of the most meaningful gifts ever. It's a serious honor to have another human being trust you at such an extent. The fact that someone feels the deficiency in himself or herself, whatever it is they are lacking, and sees something in you that can help fill such a void is an honor and a privilege nobody should take lightly. As a switch I feel so strongly about both sides to this. First, as my submissive side looks at it, none of us should just want anyone as a Dom just to say we have one. I have had one Dom, whom is a great person and very good at what he does, but was not the right one for me. I still had him as my Dom, nonetheless, and learned plenty. But, when you feel that deep connection to a specific Dom, and you know you can trust this one with anything, then and only then should you allow someone to have such control over you. You know when you have found that person because you naturally submit to them. I know I have such feelings as there is only one I will even consider, but unfortunately it's not a good time for the D/s relationship I want. Maybe it's also because I'm a switch, and I have spent my entire life caring for myself and others, and being nothing but independent, but I refuse to give such power over me to anybody else. I have already submitted to this individual naturally, and even though the D/s relationship is not there, I can't help but allow him the exact same type of control over me.

On the other side, as Doms/Dommes we must also be appreciative when someone wants to submit to us. As I said before it is one of the highest honors to have someone who believes you are the one who can get through to, and help him or her. Although there are also the subs whom just want to be owned, regardless of who the owner is, so we have to be just as careful on our ends. We must ensure that it indeed really is something within ourselves the sub sees and submits to, and not the natural yearning for someone to control him or her. If I am truly unable to help someone, I will not take the person as my sub. This will do much more harm than help. Of course, communicating all of these things is essential as well. I know the type of woman I have always been, I want to help anybody and everybody and would give someone way more effort than some people deserve from me. Since I recognize this and have had it fall back on me way too often I am even more cautious. Some of us have to be reminded it's not all about ourselves, but about the other person as well. I have to remind myself that although it is very much about the other person, I need to keep myself in mind, too.

Anyway, I think I'm done going on about this. I know I'm stating obvious facts, but it made me feel better bringing this up and writing some... Hope you all have a wonderful day...

Winning The Loss

She reluctantly pries open those dying, tired lids of her eyes

With her best effort, she tries and denies those highly despised cries

It's no surprise in her aspiring self demise

But she finds it wise to rely on time to erase the mourning within which lies

The critical gazes restrained upon her, and the unavoidable spotlight on her face

She'll break herself down and demand not to fall, at least until her victory in this race

Nothing will make her stumble or frown

Her secretive aching will escape her somehow

Leaders run in the front of the line and winners never lag behind

Life will kill her if she ever succumbs to it being a little too unkind

Her smile is her token to her own heart

And she'll be damned if she lets her love fall apart

Those bright, shining eyes are her tool at construction

Of her project: glorified self-corruption

For their viewing pleasure don't lead them to believe

Their anticipation may lead to be more than true

Because the worst explanation they could possibly receive

Is a response stating, "It's really me; trust me, it's not you."

Their attention won't fade, you fiery angel

Aim your fury at your doubts and one day you will learn

Give your best effort and eventually you will earn

That achievement of which you should never have yearned.

Me in Both Corners

Oh, bittersweet agony, meander this way

And teach me to appreciate today

Don’t give me joy to make a typical day worse

Let me treasure how well this hurts

I don’t wish to flash a smile undeserved

I’m grateful for this discontentment I’ve preserved

I have climbed every inch of that mountain of emotions

The easiest hike is the most atrocious

The incline begins with all the commotion

Solitude deserves more of my devotion

There’s nobody I resent enough to include

Regardless of the altitude

I don’t want to smile, and I refuse to cry

I’m certainly not quite ready to die

Not even seeking a reason why

Six feet under me is where my worries lie

So it’s blow for blow in this fight with myself

I’ll take my licks and attack full of rage

For their chosen sides, the crowd cheers and yells

Until someone taps out, I’m not leaving this cage

Ambiguous Disambiguation

If I didn't know you, I'd probably know myself better.

I might even figure you out as well.

I'd love to tune you out and discover clarity. However, I'm feeling much more comfortable here in this shell.

Your madness is bliss, a pain I anticipate

You make me so sadistically sweet.

I yearn for your embrace and would love to see your face, but refuse to elevate you from my feet.

As you occupy my contemplations, I bask in the ambience of this numb sensation

In this malicious attempt at consistently maintaining perfectly ordered disorganization.

Just call me Ventriloquist, you cute little dummy. Get on stage and I'll pull the strings.

Peacefully chaotic, midnight forecast sunny with one more minute until the fat lady sings.

The most intriguing and neglected detail, a sarcastic expression which may prove to be true...

Contrary to implications of an ulterior motive,

The one with the upper hand is actually you.

The Beauty of Pain

What is pain? It is an intense sensation; it is the mind’s awareness of the body’s impulses. It is a reaction… The world teaches us to fear pain, as every dictionary definition of the word I can find attempts to describe pain in a derogatory manner. I beg to differ. Pain can only affect you as negatively as you let it. There is something incredibly beautiful about a pain that is not associated with injury, and is safe. When you experience this beautiful infliction as the euphoric esthesis which you allow it to be, your complete thought process is transformed. The best part is, having someone trustworthy enough to be allowed to please you in such an intense manner, knowing no harmful repercussions will be the end result, heightens the level of intimacy in a relationship beyond any expectation or anticipation. This is a deep connection which surpasses any imaginable feeling when inexperienced. Not only this, but a deep satisfaction is found when discovering the deprivation of such a powerful, yet undermined sensation misconstrued by the majority of our society has been conquered. Everyone should discover the true beauty of a comfortable pain. From my own experience, I can honestly say it is the most comfortable I have ever felt in my life. Others around me have noticed a change and an unusual tranquility in my presence. If everyone learned to avoid fear, rather than pain, I believe we would be greatly astounded with the personal transformations taking place in result of something as simple as opening one’s mind to a new level and removing boundaries which don't belong where they are...

I have arrived.

I have a blog. I'm so 2011 now. 

It's cliche these days to have one. Everybody has a fucking blog. But you know what? I'm a woman with a lot on my mind and a lot to say. I'm too badass to keep a diary, so this is my attempt at therapeutic word vomits. You'll see a lot of my poetry as I am about to post a lot of it. I'll also get on here sometimes just to shoot the shit. Read if you'd like, comment if you feel the urge. Ignore it completely and I still won't give a shit. I'm here for me, not you... but if it makes you feel any better I do hope you get some type of enjoyment out of this.

That is all.