Barricaded

You wonder where I’m hiding
You don’t know where I am.
I’m really not worth finding
Please, just understand.

All this time
I never went away.
I’m right here where you left me
Because I promised you I’d stay.

You’ve searched all around
Lacking any sign of me.
I’m behind a thousand latches
But I swallowed every key.

In the shadows of the door
I hear you out there, wandering around.
I won’t open it anymore
And you’re afraid to crash it down.

Curled up in the shadows
Under windows, fiercely barred.
Burying my face
So delectably scarred.

I just want your forceful might
Kicking down this shield.
I inhale to call for you.
Upon your approach, I yield.

Break in my barricaded heart
Trespassing into my soul.
I long ago handed over
my precious
valuable
fortress
of
cherished
generous
stubborn
irrelevant
worthless………..

Control.

Insomnia, Isolation, & Amnesia

So it's 4:21am as I type this and I'm yawning, but have no intentions of sleep. It's been a strange night. Hell, it's been a strange week. It's been a strange life, actually.

I have not been myself lately at all. I don't know what my deal is. Actually, I think I do... and I'm probably about to talk about way more than I intended to on here.

People who know me will say I'm an extremely chill person. Many of my loved ones strive to spend time with me just to pick up on the calming vibe I give off. I'm generally carefree and very chill... along with being a silly smartass and a thousand other things. There's a side of me people don't know, though... and I fucking hate it. That's why nobody sees it... I bury her ass deep down, pack her in tightly, and she keeps trying to dig her way back up above ground.

And this post is going to piss me off and end up emo as fuck. At this point I don't even give a shit.

I started college as a Psychology major hoping I could solve this mystery of mine. It turns out, I hate that major, so i changed it. But here's the deal...

I have memories. Painful fucking agonizing memories. And not the kind of pain I enjoy. Or maybe I do enjoy it. There's things you'll never know about my life... though sometimes, I really really really wish I had someone to tell. I don't really have family that knows me. I'm pretty sure my grandmother on my dad's side has disowned me, but I really don't care. His side of the family is full of liars and hypocrites anyway. I'd rather be alone than pretend to love them. I honestly don't love them. I don't even know them. My mom's side of the family is amazing, but again I don't know them either. Not well enough, anyway. I barely know my own brothers at times. I've been fortunate to for once in my life find incredible friends whom are my family. Even then I get skeptical about everybody I meet, mainly because I have very few people who have stuck around for a long time. I'm the kinda chick who will do anything in the world for someone. People love to step all over chicks like me. I have my ways of getting even, but when I take down my tough girl shield I know damn well they have affected me, whether I want them to or not. My point is, I have amazing loved ones, but until I see for myself evidence of relationships strong enough to last a lifetime, my trust barrier remains. I'll probably die waiting for this to happen. When I tell you I can talk to you about anything, that usually means up to 80%. I guess that makes me a liar. I know a couple people I'd probably tell everything to, but... I'm too damn stubborn. Letting anyone learn certain things about me is a huge deal, and something I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to do. Anyway, to the issue...

As I said, I have memories. I have some really fucked up memories. Even more than that I have blank holes that should be memories. I can recall maybe half of the important things in my life. During an extremely intense phase of my life, I started trying to block out my memory. I don't really know how I did it, but I made myself forget a lot. I can't decide if this was good or bad for me because now it's haunting the fuck out of me. Especially with music, I love music. But, certain songs will come on and I find myself with the eeriest feeling. I have been known to pull my car over because of this. I'll play the song on repeat numerous times, close my eyes, zone out and try my best to remember. It bothers me for the next few days as all I want to know is what was it about that song!? Just as bad, sometimes the memory does come back to me. Then I'm in utter shock. But, life continues... so I about face and carry out the plan of the day. Shit's piling up in the back of my mind. Between this issue with some fucked up sort of amnesia I seem to have and a thousand other things going on called living, my mind's being fucked way more than I ever knew was possible. It's not sexy.

Someone do me a favor and just rip out every bit of emotion from my brain so I can live in peace?!?

Familiar Taste of Poison

I did not write this. These are lyrics to a song by Halestorm.

Drink the wine, my darling, you said
Take your time, consume all of it
But the roses were only to drain my inspiration
The promises were spoiled before they left your lips and...

I breathe you in again, just to feel you
Underneath my skin, holding on to
The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison

I tell myself, that you're not good for me
I wish you well, but desire never leaves
I could fight this til the end
But maybe I don't want to win

I breathe you in again, just to feel you
Underneath my skin, holding on to
The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison

I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be sober
I want you on my mind, in my dreams behind these eyes
And I won't wake up, no not this time.

I breathe you in again, just to feel you
Underneath my skin, holding on to
The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison

A familiar taste of poison

100 words on masochism

I want to hurt, I yearn for intensity. Pain is beautiful when upon request. The more I succumb to Beautiful Pain, the less I acknowledge the Hideous Pain. I love to be affected. I love hurting for a purpose. I long for the person to whom I can surrender myself entirely and rest under his clenched fist. How incredibly enjoyable is the sensation of being at his mercy, erasing my mind’s contents and basking in heavenly subspace. I love the moment; suffering is the blissful privilege of acting as his point of focus, as he strikes his passion upon me.

Wa da ta, my damies.

"I tell you what, Pootie.

Someday you gonna meet your match in a woman.
Someday you gonna meet the Darth Vader of T. and A.

Some woman's gonna kick your ass and love you to death...

...and then you gonna be lying in the dumpster...
done banged to death by the dark side of love.

And on that day, Pootie...
I'm gonna be there.

...and I'm gonna make sweet love to you."

-Biggie Shorty

Taking

At your will
At your mercy
Euphoria
You’re dispersing
Fingers trembling
Toes curled
Shuddering
Lost in a perfect world
Capture me, loose me
Bound and set free
Taken away
Taking you taking me

Breaths shortening
Then as deep as you’re inside
Pushing your passion
Overflowing from my eyes
Firm strength of your hand
Embracing my throat
To this moment
All of me, I devote
Your soothing, stern voice
In my ear whispering
“Take it.”
Don’t stop taking me.

Faster, harder
Vanishing every care
Entranced
Distantly gazing in a deep, dark stare
Rhythmically pounding
Juices flow like a river
Tightly held down
Sweat pours as I helplessly shiver
Taking more and more
Til we reach our goal
You take me, lose yourself
As we lose control.

Blind Comfort

Numbing my soul
     Demolishing
          Take loving control
Numbing my heart
     Devouring
          Tear my love apart
Numbing my brain
     Abolishing
          Sanity’s filthy strain
Numbing my senses
     Cowering
          Into my deepest dimensions

Frolic in a playground of uncertainty
Unarm yourself, prepare for what will never be.
Confusion and ignorance will take you higher
Kill off every breath extinguishing your fire.

Yes
Obviously
Unaware

Leeches and snakes
Of
Vicarious adoration know,
Everything worthwhile must go.

A Masochist's Mind

My pain is beautiful,
Sensual, so arousing,
My mind demands more than my heart can take.

Thoughts can be dangerous,
But for my own sake,
The more I can handle, the less likely I’ll break.

My teeth get a protective, stern tight grip,
On an anxious, restless, quivering bottom lip.

Hand balled in a fist as my eyes roll back,
Gracefully anticipating this generous attack.

You relax my body as my muscles surrender,
I withdraw all within me, so strong, yet so tender.

Lead the escape,
Take me away,
Guide me into a fantasy so real.

If only for a moment,
Safely, securely restrained,
Inflict me with such euphoric inability to feel.

You'll Never Know

Destructive thoughts haunt me day to day
Sentences constructed to statements I may never say
Painful memories sneak into my mind, I disregard as they drift away
My presence is inevitable, but my mind is astray
Lucky for you, you'll never know anyway

I'm here today, I'll escape tomorrow
To solitary confinement locked in my own sorrow
Soon I will vanish, but you'll never know
The invisible inhibitions I refuse to show
I'll be digging a hole where the truth lies and burying sights I deprive your eyes

A wilderness of oblivion
You can find me imprisoning my mind within
Comfortably lost but I know my destination
I'll find it wandering without hesitation
You'll trail right behind me, analytically so
It's all part of the plan... but you'll never know.

The Gift of Submission

I just want to put some thoughts out here for a second...

Submission is quite the gift to give someone... one of the most meaningful gifts ever. It's a serious honor to have another human being trust you at such an extent. The fact that someone feels the deficiency in himself or herself, whatever it is they are lacking, and sees something in you that can help fill such a void is an honor and a privilege nobody should take lightly. As a switch I feel so strongly about both sides to this. First, as my submissive side looks at it, none of us should just want anyone as a Dom just to say we have one. I have had one Dom, whom is a great person and very good at what he does, but was not the right one for me. I still had him as my Dom, nonetheless, and learned plenty. But, when you feel that deep connection to a specific Dom, and you know you can trust this one with anything, then and only then should you allow someone to have such control over you. You know when you have found that person because you naturally submit to them. I know I have such feelings as there is only one I will even consider, but unfortunately it's not a good time for the D/s relationship I want. Maybe it's also because I'm a switch, and I have spent my entire life caring for myself and others, and being nothing but independent, but I refuse to give such power over me to anybody else. I have already submitted to this individual naturally, and even though the D/s relationship is not there, I can't help but allow him the exact same type of control over me.

On the other side, as Doms/Dommes we must also be appreciative when someone wants to submit to us. As I said before it is one of the highest honors to have someone who believes you are the one who can get through to, and help him or her. Although there are also the subs whom just want to be owned, regardless of who the owner is, so we have to be just as careful on our ends. We must ensure that it indeed really is something within ourselves the sub sees and submits to, and not the natural yearning for someone to control him or her. If I am truly unable to help someone, I will not take the person as my sub. This will do much more harm than help. Of course, communicating all of these things is essential as well. I know the type of woman I have always been, I want to help anybody and everybody and would give someone way more effort than some people deserve from me. Since I recognize this and have had it fall back on me way too often I am even more cautious. Some of us have to be reminded it's not all about ourselves, but about the other person as well. I have to remind myself that although it is very much about the other person, I need to keep myself in mind, too.

Anyway, I think I'm done going on about this. I know I'm stating obvious facts, but it made me feel better bringing this up and writing some... Hope you all have a wonderful day...

Winning The Loss

She reluctantly pries open those dying, tired lids of her eyes

With her best effort, she tries and denies those highly despised cries

It's no surprise in her aspiring self demise

But she finds it wise to rely on time to erase the mourning within which lies

The critical gazes restrained upon her, and the unavoidable spotlight on her face

She'll break herself down and demand not to fall, at least until her victory in this race

Nothing will make her stumble or frown

Her secretive aching will escape her somehow

Leaders run in the front of the line and winners never lag behind

Life will kill her if she ever succumbs to it being a little too unkind

Her smile is her token to her own heart

And she'll be damned if she lets her love fall apart

Those bright, shining eyes are her tool at construction

Of her project: glorified self-corruption

For their viewing pleasure don't lead them to believe

Their anticipation may lead to be more than true

Because the worst explanation they could possibly receive

Is a response stating, "It's really me; trust me, it's not you."

Their attention won't fade, you fiery angel

Aim your fury at your doubts and one day you will learn

Give your best effort and eventually you will earn

That achievement of which you should never have yearned.

Me in Both Corners

Oh, bittersweet agony, meander this way

And teach me to appreciate today

Don’t give me joy to make a typical day worse

Let me treasure how well this hurts

I don’t wish to flash a smile undeserved

I’m grateful for this discontentment I’ve preserved

I have climbed every inch of that mountain of emotions

The easiest hike is the most atrocious

The incline begins with all the commotion

Solitude deserves more of my devotion

There’s nobody I resent enough to include

Regardless of the altitude

I don’t want to smile, and I refuse to cry

I’m certainly not quite ready to die

Not even seeking a reason why

Six feet under me is where my worries lie

So it’s blow for blow in this fight with myself

I’ll take my licks and attack full of rage

For their chosen sides, the crowd cheers and yells

Until someone taps out, I’m not leaving this cage

Ambiguous Disambiguation

If I didn't know you, I'd probably know myself better.

I might even figure you out as well.

I'd love to tune you out and discover clarity. However, I'm feeling much more comfortable here in this shell.

Your madness is bliss, a pain I anticipate

You make me so sadistically sweet.

I yearn for your embrace and would love to see your face, but refuse to elevate you from my feet.

As you occupy my contemplations, I bask in the ambience of this numb sensation

In this malicious attempt at consistently maintaining perfectly ordered disorganization.

Just call me Ventriloquist, you cute little dummy. Get on stage and I'll pull the strings.

Peacefully chaotic, midnight forecast sunny with one more minute until the fat lady sings.

The most intriguing and neglected detail, a sarcastic expression which may prove to be true...

Contrary to implications of an ulterior motive,

The one with the upper hand is actually you.

The Beauty of Pain

What is pain? It is an intense sensation; it is the mind’s awareness of the body’s impulses. It is a reaction… The world teaches us to fear pain, as every dictionary definition of the word I can find attempts to describe pain in a derogatory manner. I beg to differ. Pain can only affect you as negatively as you let it. There is something incredibly beautiful about a pain that is not associated with injury, and is safe. When you experience this beautiful infliction as the euphoric esthesis which you allow it to be, your complete thought process is transformed. The best part is, having someone trustworthy enough to be allowed to please you in such an intense manner, knowing no harmful repercussions will be the end result, heightens the level of intimacy in a relationship beyond any expectation or anticipation. This is a deep connection which surpasses any imaginable feeling when inexperienced. Not only this, but a deep satisfaction is found when discovering the deprivation of such a powerful, yet undermined sensation misconstrued by the majority of our society has been conquered. Everyone should discover the true beauty of a comfortable pain. From my own experience, I can honestly say it is the most comfortable I have ever felt in my life. Others around me have noticed a change and an unusual tranquility in my presence. If everyone learned to avoid fear, rather than pain, I believe we would be greatly astounded with the personal transformations taking place in result of something as simple as opening one’s mind to a new level and removing boundaries which don't belong where they are...

I have arrived.

I have a blog. I'm so 2011 now. 

It's cliche these days to have one. Everybody has a fucking blog. But you know what? I'm a woman with a lot on my mind and a lot to say. I'm too badass to keep a diary, so this is my attempt at therapeutic word vomits. You'll see a lot of my poetry as I am about to post a lot of it. I'll also get on here sometimes just to shoot the shit. Read if you'd like, comment if you feel the urge. Ignore it completely and I still won't give a shit. I'm here for me, not you... but if it makes you feel any better I do hope you get some type of enjoyment out of this.

That is all.